Jul 2, 20227 min read

Build a Self-Reliance Mindset

Updated: Jul 25, 2022

Here's How

When you have a self-reliance mindset, it means you rely on yourself more. To be more independent. And your success isn't tied to anyone else. Self-reliance does not mean that you give up all help and social contact though. Simply knowing that you can stand on your own two feet gives you great confidence to excel in many areas in your life!

Sounds good?

Today I’ll share with you my 9 tips to build a self-reliance mindset. Some of these had a bigger impact in my life, as far as I could tell, personally. Your experience may be slightly different.

My suggestion is to follow a three-step process:

Step 1: Pick one or two from the list below to start with. Identify in which part of your life you want to build it. Then give it a few days.

For example, let’s assume we take the first one from the list of 9 below, Believe in yourself more. Here’s what I recommend:

Ask yourself, what would be different about me if I believed more in myself and my own abilities, as a parent, a life partner, a friend, or professional at work?
If you can, picture or imagine what that would look and feel like.

Here’s what I did: I was once outsourced to a client to join their tax team. It was a big multi-national group of companies that manufactured and sold widgets. Tax is complicated enough as it applies to this industry. But I tell you, to be able to navigate the complexities of multiple jurisdictions can be overwhelming. I had to find and build the ability to believe in myself more. This didn’t come naturally and it took a few days.

Step 2: In those few days, remind yourself of the idea once or twice a day. Perhaps you can write a word or two on a post-it note. Even a doodle will do! Stick it on your computer or laptop screen (or desk phone if you have one in the office). Or put up an affirmation on the wall where you can see it. Do something!

Here’s what I did: I picked an area where I needed to believe in myself more: Meetings. It was during the height of the work-from-home time during the pandemic. I hated sitting in virtual meetings and relying on technology that could fail easily – whether it was poor audio or even poor video feeds. I had to look and sound like the experienced professional that I was, while also being able to actively listen and participate meaningfully in tax technical discussions with people that I have never met. I had a fear that I would come across as stupid if the technology fails or worse, if I should ask people to repeat themselves, for example.

This sounds so stupid to say out loud, but I dreaded looking or sounding dumb, and I knew that looking or sounding anything would be based on what others perceived about me; and that perception of me would, in turn, be based on my behavior. So, I knew that the way to control how I looked or sounded would depend on my control of my behavior.

But this is not as easy as it sounds. It is why we fear public speaking for example. We end up dreading the idea that we won’t be in control in that moment under that spotlight, and we dread it so badly that we develop anxiety just thinking about it.

Sounds familiar?

You overcome this fear by taking back control in a constructive way that is healthy and productive. You can choose the easy route and avoid the situation, which is unproductive. Or you can prepare well, and also take meaningful control of yourself by practicing your delivery until it feels natural. This is a productive and healthy way to overcome the fear. But... taking control of how you behave under that stress is hard!

Because the way we behave is driven a lot by unconscious processes, and these unconscious processes are often based on our own assumptions and beliefs about life (our mindset). And in my case, if I believed, even illogically, that I would look and sound stupid in that situation, chances are, I will behave like that and create the perception that I am slow and stupid.

So what I had to do, and do quickly, was to believe in myself more. Like really know and understand that silly questions like "Could you repeat that?" don’t make me stupid – it was a natural consequence of doing business in this virtual new-normal.

Step 3: Do something different. This approach of using post-it notes and affirmations and many self-help tips usually fail us. Because that reminder, in whatever form, is meaningless if you don't act on the reminder. Just reading that affirmation, or seeing that post-it note, won’t build your self-reliance. What builds your self-reliance, is what you do when you are reminded to do something different.

Step 3 is the most important one. It is the secret to the secret sauce.

When you remind yourself of the idea, let your mind flash to an image or idea that you have around that concept. See yourself, for example, in a situation where you apply that principle of self-reliance. Why? I won’t bore you with the details, but using your imagination in this creative way is one of the magic pills to get your unconscious mind to quickly learn and adapt to something new and different. And in no time, your behavior will start to match that new and different idea.

So how did I remind myself to believe in myself more? In this case it was easy. Every scheduled meeting automatically reminded me. So when I heard the ping of the upcoming meeting, I was reminded to believe in myself more. So, reminder, ticked.

But that reminder was meaningless and it won’t build my self-reliance. I had to do something different when that ping reminded me to.

What I did, was to slow my breathing for a moment. My mind flashed to an image of me behind the camera in the virtual meeting. Of me being the confident and self-reliant self that I know I am. Being the true tax professional that the client is paying big money for, to have readily available. I imagined what that would feel like to have that level of confidence. Knowing that the confidence is rooted in my deep experience and professionalism.

Do you have to use your imagination like that? No. It just works faster.

So those are the 3 steps to take. Now let’s look at the list of 9 ideas to apply these steps to.

Select your one or two ideas from the following list of 9. Try the three-step process above, just for a week. And see for yourself what an impact it makes in your life. Then come back to this list, and select one or two others. Find what works for you.

1. Believe in Yourself

The first step to being more self-reliant is to FEEL more self-reliant. You have to believe that you can stand on your own two feet, or you will never become more self-reliant.

2. Recognize Your Dependencies

It's important to figure out who and what you are currently dependent on. You don't have to make any major changes at this point. Just recognize your dependencies. This way, you will know what kinds of things you need to learn to do yourself to become less dependent on that person or thing, whatever it may be for you.

3. Accept Responsibility

If you want to be more self-reliant, then you need to accept responsibility. Your actions lead to real consequences, and you need to be responsible for them. If you make a mess of things, you need to be responsible for that, rather than looking to others to fix it.

4. Think for Yourself

You must avoid groupthink and think for yourself. This doesn't mean that you take the contrarian stance on every issue, like swim against the stream the whole time. But make sure you understand and believe in the things you talk about. And don’t use words that you haven’t defined for yourself yet. If you have a stance on something, ensure your stance is not just what everyone else thinks.

5. Be Your Authentic Self

You should know your core values and what you believe in. Furthermore, it would help if you also acted in ways that reflect those values. Don't try to be someone different to impress others. If you want to be more self-reliant, you need to be comfortable in your own skin at all times.

6. Make Your Own Decisions

If you run to someone else for help making every decision, you aren't self-reliant. Decision-making can be very stressful, and while it's helpful to get someone’s opinion, it's up to you to make the decisions in your life at the end of the day. After all, you are the one who has to live with them.

7. Look After Yourself

A big part of self-reliance is taking care of yourself. You need to make sure both your mental and physical wellbeing is taken good care of. A poor spell of mental or physical health will almost always ensure you have to rely on others.

8. Commit to Lifelong Learning

While you can't possibly learn everything, it is important to commit to constantly learning if you want to be self-reliant. The world and your needs change; you need to keep learning, so you are ready to face these changes independently.

9. Know What You Want

What do you want out of life? If you want to be more self-reliant, you need to know exactly where you want to go. What's the point of being self-reliant if you aren't following your own goals?

You have 9 tips and a three-step process to apply for each.

If you don't know how to identify what to do in step 3 for your selected idea, use the following action steps to guide you: